Face off against U.S. High School Students in games of Mayhem, Murder, Torture and Genocide
St Helena, UK (NWN) Exiled Dictators to this island paradise do not simply retire with members of their retinue and portions of their ill-gotten gains. Rather they enjoy their remaining time by competing in virtual games designed to simulate the lives they lived in their third-world hell-holes.
Established by the United Nations to house murderous dictators who have voluntarily given up their positions before being forcibly ousted by the United States military and executed by their outraged citizens, St Helena allows each dictator to build and maintain palaces with their concealed slush funds.
“I can’t think of a better use for the staggering amount of money that was given to these fellows by the working people in first world countries,” said U.N. Director of Dictator Affairs, Jerzy Kaplinski. “These vast funds in Swiss banks will now go to their original intended compassionate use -- assuring that these dictators merely enjoy themselves without wrecking their countries.”
The U.N. allows the murderous tyrants to hire obsequious servants played by aspiring Hollywood actors and, more to the point, actresses and also encourages periodic visits by sycophantic professors and news anchors. More importantly, the U.N. provides “interns” who carry out “virtual” orders against the murderous tyrants’ “virtual” enemies in specially designed, on-line games played against U.S. High School students.
“It’s a great way to keep these guys occupied in retirement,” said Dr. Hildegaard Steinmesser, M.D. , the Psychiatrist who oversees the Island’s medical operations, recreational activities and security arrangements. “These are not the types who simply want to play golf or bridge or enjoy good music. For them, retirement is active, it still brings all their normal desires for mass murder, subjugation and torture as well as for the rapt idolatry by western intellecutals and visits by Jimmy Carter that they have become accustomed to. These games are perfect modes of therapy, they fill their needs quite nicely.”
One recently deposed dictator, Fidel Castro of Cuba, proudly showed off his game to visiting reporters. “See here,” he said, pointing to a large computer screen revealing a map of the United States. “I just push this button on the keyboard and poof, the whole U.S. is incinerated by nuclear bombs.”
Dr. Steinmesser explained that while Fidel likes to “Nuke” the U.S. a few times per day, he is actually a very sophisticated player of the virtual dictator games Cuban Caligula. We’ve put our best player, Bobby “Snuffles” Jones against Fidel and it’s always a really tough match,” said Dr. Steinmesser. “Bobby is one of the best, but every time he tries to create an underground economy, Fidel crushes him. Fidel has had him murdered for everything from trying to deliver aspirin to elderly patients to selling infant formula on the black market. Fidel is really a world class game player.”
Jones, the 15 year old son of a sociology professor at the University of California is a sophomore at University High School in Irvine. He stated: “My Dad tells me that Castro was a great leader, but to me he is just one amazing tyrant. I have all the Cuban people,” Jones explained, “and Fidel has his regime. You’d think I would win once in awhile but the guy has wiped me out fifteen
times in a row!”
Other St Helena dictators who enjoy on-line games include Saudi Arabia’s Prince Faud playing Wahhabi Warlocks against Melissa Abramowitz of Jefferson High in Little Rock Arkansas, former President Jiang Zemin of China playing Taiwan Terror Twostep against Merriam Ming of Joe Stilwell High School in Chicago and former North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il playing Porno Ring Destructo Man against Wendy Lee of Douglas MacArthur High School in Los Angeles.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Saturday, August 19, 2006
HARVARD CHALLENGES WORLD OF EDUCATIONAL COMEDY
MIT’s lead is safe. “For Now.”
Cambridge, Massachusetts (SATIRENEWSSERVICE) “How do we force women to wear burkhas? Torture their children if they don’t! How do we clear a mine field in war? Promise thirteen year old boys they’ll go to heaven if they get blown up! Why don’t we have enough money to help earthquake victims in Qom? Because we’re sending money to terrorists in Lebanon! Who are the most evil people in the world? The Jews, followed closely by the Americans! Why do we want nuclear weapons? To pursue our religion of peace, of course!”
These and other rapid-fire jokes were part of yesterday’s wildly successful comedy routine entitled “Tolerance in the Age of Violence” performed by former Iranian President Muhammed Khatami at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government. Khatami also fired off hysterical jokes about his regime’s treatment of women, gays, secularists, Baha'is, and student reformers.
But Khatami’s jokes and yarns were more than mere entertainment for the enthralled and receptive audience of Harvard professors and students. According to acting President Derek Bok, Khatami’s show represents “another step in our continuing efforts to make Harvard into one of the great comic institutions in America.”
To accomplish this ambitious goal, America’s oldest university has inaugurated a vast new program dedicated to bringing to its campus a broad range of comic geniuses with bizarre intolerance toward women, gays, ethnic minorities, Jews or Americans.
The humor program, tentatively titled “Nuttiness in the Age of Zealotry, Intolerance and Subjugation” will be headed by Harvard Professor Dr. Rudolph Hess (no relation), Ph.D. professor of Comedy, Philosophy and anti-American studies at the Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government. The Nuttiness Project will feature the usual leading U.S. comedians such as David Duke and Cynthia McKinney addressing their usual faux-serious topics.
But in an inspired move that may well thrust Harvard back into the top spot in academic comedy, the Nuttiness Project intends to invite world leaders such as Bashar Assad to speak on the topic “Magnanimity Toward Palestinians”, Mahmoud Amadinejad to speak on “Israel’s Right to Exist”, and Kim Jong Il to speak on “Freedom from Want, Freedom from Fear.”
“Last year we lost a good deal of ground to Yale,” said Bok, referring to the side-splitting action of its Ivy League competitor in enrolling a Taliban spokesman as an undergraduate while banning the U.S. Army from its campus. “Yale’s move was comedic brilliance at a very high level,” said Bok.
But Harvard is trying. “The Summers affair helped us,” said Bok referring to the hilarious sacking of the former University President for daring to suggest that men and women may be different. “And Stephen Walt has helped a lot with his nutty book about Israel. But we need something more to keep up with our tremendous competition.”
Dr. Hess explained that prizes in the Academic Follies competition have never been stronger. “Why look, the University of Colorado hired a fake Indian to accuse the victims of 9/11 of being ‘Little Eichmanns’— that is pure comic genius. Brigham Young University has a fellow who asserts that the U.S. Government knocked down the twin towers. The University of Michigan has Juan Coles’ and his conspiracy theories. Those routines represent very high levels of comedy. And then there is the perennial leader, MIT.”
MIT, of course, has been at the top of academic comedy efforts for years due almost solely to the efforts of its resident Comedian-in-Chief, Noam Chomsky.
Harvard’s Bok acknowledges that the university’s comic reputation has been threatened in recent years. “Larry Summers did our program a great disservice by insisting that Cornell West quit writing rap music and go back to teaching. We lost West to Princeton. And our most visible public intellectual, Alan Dershowitz, often provides far too much serious thinking on important topics. But we are improving. And with the help of our Faculty of Arts and Sciences – we expect to become, yet again, America’s reigning academic farce.”
Cambridge, Massachusetts (SATIRENEWSSERVICE) “How do we force women to wear burkhas? Torture their children if they don’t! How do we clear a mine field in war? Promise thirteen year old boys they’ll go to heaven if they get blown up! Why don’t we have enough money to help earthquake victims in Qom? Because we’re sending money to terrorists in Lebanon! Who are the most evil people in the world? The Jews, followed closely by the Americans! Why do we want nuclear weapons? To pursue our religion of peace, of course!”
These and other rapid-fire jokes were part of yesterday’s wildly successful comedy routine entitled “Tolerance in the Age of Violence” performed by former Iranian President Muhammed Khatami at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government. Khatami also fired off hysterical jokes about his regime’s treatment of women, gays, secularists, Baha'is, and student reformers.
But Khatami’s jokes and yarns were more than mere entertainment for the enthralled and receptive audience of Harvard professors and students. According to acting President Derek Bok, Khatami’s show represents “another step in our continuing efforts to make Harvard into one of the great comic institutions in America.”
To accomplish this ambitious goal, America’s oldest university has inaugurated a vast new program dedicated to bringing to its campus a broad range of comic geniuses with bizarre intolerance toward women, gays, ethnic minorities, Jews or Americans.
The humor program, tentatively titled “Nuttiness in the Age of Zealotry, Intolerance and Subjugation” will be headed by Harvard Professor Dr. Rudolph Hess (no relation), Ph.D. professor of Comedy, Philosophy and anti-American studies at the Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government. The Nuttiness Project will feature the usual leading U.S. comedians such as David Duke and Cynthia McKinney addressing their usual faux-serious topics.
But in an inspired move that may well thrust Harvard back into the top spot in academic comedy, the Nuttiness Project intends to invite world leaders such as Bashar Assad to speak on the topic “Magnanimity Toward Palestinians”, Mahmoud Amadinejad to speak on “Israel’s Right to Exist”, and Kim Jong Il to speak on “Freedom from Want, Freedom from Fear.”
“Last year we lost a good deal of ground to Yale,” said Bok, referring to the side-splitting action of its Ivy League competitor in enrolling a Taliban spokesman as an undergraduate while banning the U.S. Army from its campus. “Yale’s move was comedic brilliance at a very high level,” said Bok.
But Harvard is trying. “The Summers affair helped us,” said Bok referring to the hilarious sacking of the former University President for daring to suggest that men and women may be different. “And Stephen Walt has helped a lot with his nutty book about Israel. But we need something more to keep up with our tremendous competition.”
Dr. Hess explained that prizes in the Academic Follies competition have never been stronger. “Why look, the University of Colorado hired a fake Indian to accuse the victims of 9/11 of being ‘Little Eichmanns’— that is pure comic genius. Brigham Young University has a fellow who asserts that the U.S. Government knocked down the twin towers. The University of Michigan has Juan Coles’ and his conspiracy theories. Those routines represent very high levels of comedy. And then there is the perennial leader, MIT.”
MIT, of course, has been at the top of academic comedy efforts for years due almost solely to the efforts of its resident Comedian-in-Chief, Noam Chomsky.
Harvard’s Bok acknowledges that the university’s comic reputation has been threatened in recent years. “Larry Summers did our program a great disservice by insisting that Cornell West quit writing rap music and go back to teaching. We lost West to Princeton. And our most visible public intellectual, Alan Dershowitz, often provides far too much serious thinking on important topics. But we are improving. And with the help of our Faculty of Arts and Sciences – we expect to become, yet again, America’s reigning academic farce.”
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